And 42 other principles that have brought me through the hardest season of my life

You aren’t owed an easy life. No matter how much you or I may wish it were so, no one’s life comes with a quality guarantee. Whenever I’m tempted to think otherwise, I look at a man like Nick Santonastasso. Nick was born with no legs and one arm. And a quick look at his social media will prove it hasn’t held him back.

This past year, which bled into 2024, has been the most difficult season of my 37 years on earth. I won’t get into the specifics of why, but there have been plenty of times I nearly succumbed to self-pity and why-me-Lord contemplation. But this isn’t that kind of blog post.

If you want someone to wallow in it, that isn’t me. I’ll hurt with you, listen to you, and cry with you. But sinking in it with you won’t serve you – I know it never serves me. The best medicine I received came after pouring my heart out to one of my closest friends. I went to him because I knew he wasn’t going to respond with pity. Instead, he look at me and smiled.

With a posture of joy and excitement, he told me it was time to finish my cup of coffee, lace up my sneakers, and get moving – there was an opportunity ahead.

Since that conversation, the quote from Michael Hopf's post-apocalypic novel “Those Who Remain” has played in my mind repeatedly: “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.”

I recently heard another quote by a pastor named Mike Bullmore. In a sermon on the sovereignty of God, he noted, “One of the hardest things about the curse is its uneven distribution.”

The second is a balance to the first quote. Yeah, life can he hard.

If you feel like you’ve been dealt a bad hand, I get it, and I sympathize with you. As my wife often reminds my children, “Life isn’t fair.” Someone else’s life may be easier, less painful, and more care-free than yours.

It’s not fair. But that isn’t your concern.

Yours is the life in front of you. Embrace it. Find joy in it. And like a pair of well used tires, squeeze every mile you can out of it!

In this season of my life, I’ve leaned on my faith and a set of 42 guiding principles that have not only continued to carry me through, but have allowed me to grow stronger in the midst of it.

These aren’t rules or even guidelines. I call them principles for a reason. A principle is defined as a “fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.”

Like my faith, principles are foundational. They are the truths I build the rest of my life upon. Rather than a rule that restricts, a principle guides the development of everything that’s laid upon it.

Here’s the forty-second principle:

Principle 42:

Ask yourself: What if it were easy?

This simple question forces your mind to look for a simpler solution. It’s similar to the question people ask when trying to uncover someone’s passion: “what if money wasn’t an issue?” The problem with that question is that we live in the real world, and I can’t speak for you, but I’m not independently wealthy, so money is an issue.

But we can make it easier by getting out of our own way. This question has a way of eliminating the needless baggage around an idea or plan.

Principle 41:

Start your day with a win

The best way to start your day is on a high-note. There’s a lot of stuff out there that’s going to try and bring you down. And starting with a win will help keep you from being dragged down.

Think small. A great workout is good. Knocking out some work before you officially clock in is nice too. But I’m talking about something much smaller.

Some measurable accomplishment should be baked into your day. For me, it’s making my bed. It may seem inconsequential, but seeing the pillows in place, the blanket smooth, and a task complete before I move into the day is an easy win I can count on before the rest of the day gets started. Then, as I'm starting my day on high-note.

Principle 40:

Focus on 3 things

Numbers hold meaning beyond the positive set of integers they represent. Some are considered lucky and others unlucky. The number 7, for example, has been associated with the idea of completion in Biblical context while the number 6 represents incompleteness or evil.

The number 3 holds significance in various cultural, mathematical, and philosophical contexts. Let me explain a few of those areas:

Cultural significance: In many cultures, the number 3 is considered lucky or sacred. For example, it represents the Holy Trinity in Christianity and the Triple Gem in Buddhism.

Mathematical properties: Three is the first odd prime number, the second smallest prime number, and the only prime preceding a square number. It is also the first Fermat prime and the second Mersenne prime.

Symbolism and beliefs: Three often symbolizes balance and stability, as exemplified by the triangle. Many sayings and structures come in threes, such as “past, present, future” and “mind, body, spirit.”

Literature and storytelling: The rule of three is a principle in writing that suggests things that come in threes are inherently more humorous, satisfying, or effective than other numbers of things.

Science and environment: Three states of matter are commonly taught in basic science: solid, liquid, and gas. Earth is the third planet from the Sun in our solar system.

The number 3 resonates with our psychological tendencies toward pattern recognition, memory efficiency, and simplification, making it a powerful element in communication and thought processes.

Memory and cognition: The rule of three plays into the way our brains are wired to process information. People tend to remember things better in threes, likely due to our cognitive preference for patterns and manageable chunks of information. This is evident in popular structures like beginning, middle, and end in stories.

Persuasion and rhetoric: In persuasive speaking and writing, concepts or ideas presented in threes are more compelling and easier to remember. This is often used in speeches, advertising, and literary techniques.

Perceived completeness: Groups of three are often perceived as more complete and satisfying than other groupings. This principle influences various areas, including design, communication, and art.

Decision-making: The number three can simplify decision-making processes. Offering three options, for example, can make choices seem more manageable while providing a sense of variety.

In the words of a young Michael Jackson, “It’s easy as 1, 2, 3.”

Keeping a practice simple prevents you from quitting. Instead of your mind seeing it as a hurdle it must overcome each day it’s viewed as something manageable, eventually, even enjoyable. Complexity is the enemy of progress and so I’ve designed the first three tasks of my day to be simple, easy, and something I enjoy. Additionally, in this season of trial, these tasks are life-giving.

Each task follows the rule of 3 in its own right. The first task is to write three things I’m thankful for. This gets my mind and spirit bent on a posture of gratitude. Next, I write for 15 minutes (15 is a multiple of 3: 3x5 = 15 is the justification here). Then, I spend time in Scripture. Again, the format is laid out in 3: (1) read, (2) write out a thought, and (3) pray.

The idea of keeping it simple, finishing before your brain has a chance to say “enough”, keeps your brain wanting to come back for more the next day. This way you’ll be primed to start again tomorrow.

Principle 39:

Sometimes you have to go home

I’ve lived in five different states and eleven different cities, but only one of them is home. The town I grew up in isn’t the place I call home. Home is where my roots were laid – it’s the town my family and I now live in.

Prior to moving back home, we lived in one of the coolest cities on earth: Nashville, Tennessee.

But like a tree without its roots I decided to move back home in order flourish after much contemplation.

Nashville was great – and it’s still my favorite place to visit. But it wasn’t home.

There are a lot of expressions that capture the idea of what “home” is.

“Home is where the heart is.”

“There's no place like home.”

“Home sweet home.”

“A house is made of bricks and beams; a home is made of hopes and dreams.”

But my favorite one is, “Home is not a place; it's a feeling.”

Home can be anywhere you make it. But once you establish your home, it’s hard to move it.

In the 2003 film adaptation of Alan Moore’s graphic novel of the same name, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Allan Quatermain’s character (played by Sean Connery) notes that Africa, his home continent, wouldn’t allow him to die.

Both literally and figuratively, home provides an essential structure. One of my favorite artists is Grant Wood, another Iowa native. As a fellow creative mind, the last place on earth you think he would have turned to for inspiration was the conservative lands of Iowa. But after traveling the world, that’s exactly what Wood did. After spending time in Eroupe he was quotes as saying, “I realized that all the really good ideas I'd ever had come to me while I was milking a cow. So I went back to Iowa.

I’ve never milked a cow. But I can appreciate Wood’s idea that sometimes you need the stability of home in order to move forward.

Principle 38:

Don’t make it a choice, make it your identity 

Why don’t diets work? We could discuss the lack of complete nutrition provided by many diets or the inflexibility they provide. But when it comes down to it, 90% of the time they’re just behavior modification. Instead of becoming a person who eats healthy the dieter tries to do X, Y, and Z just long enough to achieve a result. 

Contrast that with a writer. A writer writes because he enjoys the act of writing. He doesn’t write until he completes his book and then quit the practice of writing. He was writing before he started the book and will continue writing after the book is completed.

Feeling is removed from the equation. It’s not a matter of choice – it just is. The athlete doesn’t wake up and decide whether ot not to be an athlete. He wakes up as an athlete. When something becomes part of your identity you do it whether you feel like it or not.

But how do you make it (whatever ‘it’ may be) part of your identity? With consistency.

If you go for a run, you would say you went for a run. A single occurrence of running around the block doesn’t make you a runner. But when you commit to the practice of running on a regular basis you become a runner.

It’s built into your day. In fact, your day is built around it. 

As a little boy, I loved exploring. We lived out in the country and I would spend much of my time exploring the neighboring properties. I remember one day walking along the fence that surrounded the field of beautiful Clydesdale horses. I loved watching them run. But on that day it was the fence itself that caught my attention.

There was a tree that had grown up in the middle of the fence. Instead of growing next to it, the tree grew up and around the steel fence post, the two becoming one. The fence post and the tree had become one.

If something is going to become your identity, it has to become a part of you, not a thing that you may or may not choose to do on a certain day depending on how you feel.

Principle 37

Live expectantly

I don’t believe in manifestation. Not in the sense that the “universe” cares about your positive vibes. But there is something to be said about the outcome of your belief.

In a practical sense, it’s the red car analogy. (It’s not actually called the “red car analogy” but for the sake of this story, that’s what I’m calling it.)

When you’re shopping for a red car (or any specific car) you see it everywhere. It seems the number of people who own that car has immediately increased since you started shopping for it. Strange, right?

Not exactly…

There’s a rational explanation. It’s called the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon (or the frequency illusion). It’s a cognitive bias where you notice the things you’re interested in.

It’s the reason manifestation can actually work: you’re making your brain more aware of certain things. The frequency hasn’t changed, but your perception of its frequency has increased.

It works the same way with your expectations. If you expect something to happen, it’s probably going to happen – because you’re looking for it to happen, you’re anticipating it. If you wake up believing you’re going to have a good day, there’s a better chance you’re going to have a good day. 

You’re looking for all the things to affirm your belief and, at cognitive level, ignoring what says otherwise.

For starters, it makes you more thankful, more appreciative. Your morning cup of coffee tastes better. You might even have more energy. So, when it’s time to exercise, you have a better workout. 

You’re more appreciative towards your spouse and children which leads to better interactions with them. 

You’re more enjoyable to be around and attract others. You carry yourself more confidently and as a result, you attract those around you who can help with that project you’re working on.

Things seemingly fall into place.

The reason is that you begin to see things through a different lens when you live expectantly. There are a few things that make the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon work:

First, there’s a confirmation bias. You begin to notice information that confirms your pre-existing beliefs or interests. 

Then, there’s psychological priming, a concept popularized by Tony Robbins. Back to our car example. When you're thinking about a particular car, your brain is primed to both recognize it and notice it easier. This priming effect means your brain is more alert to related stimuli.

Lastly, you have the Reticular Activating System (RAS) working for you. The RAS is a network of neurons in your brainstem that play a crucial role in attention and arousal. When you focus on something new, like a car model, the RAS helps filter and prioritize related information, making it seem like you're encountering it more often.

But it’s a cautionary tale because it goes both ways. If you expect the worst, you’ll get it. But when you expect the best, you’ll get it.

This works even at a biological level. We can see this played out in the regions around the world with the largest populations of centenarians. One of the common factors these populations share is their relatively low stress levels. 

They know how to prioritize what’s most important in life.

When you live expectantly, you're not just passively waiting for good things to happen; you're actively setting the stage for them. This mindset primes you to recognize opportunities, solutions, and positive outcomes. You’re not magically altering the universe, but you’re altering your perception of it.

By expecting the best, you naturally orient yourself toward actions and choices that align with that expectation. It’s about taking small steps daily that build up to significant results. When you live with anticipation for the good, your mindset shifts, and so do your actions. You start to notice the people, ideas, and opportunities that support your goals, and you feel empowered to seize them.

In the end, living expectantly is about aligning your actions with your intentions. It’s a practical approach to achieving your goals because it relies on the powerful connection between belief and behavior. When you believe that good things are coming your way, you create the conditions for them to arrive. Your outlook transforms, your actions become intentional, and you begin to shape the life you’ve envisioned.

So, embrace this mindset. Wake up each day with a sense of expectancy and watch as your world begins to change, not by chance, but by choice.

Principle 36

Ask for help sooner

Men can be a stubborn bunch when it comes to asking for help. I still fight the tendency to not ask for help even in the silliest situations. I’ll often scour the grocery aisles in search of an item when I could simply ask an employee who would lead me right to the product.

But my most shameful experience came when Kara and I had only been married a few months. We were living in Southern California, in a time before mobile maps. We went to LA for the afternoon to pick up a race packet for the marathon she would be running that weekend.

On the way home I had the idea of taking the PCH instead of jumping back on the 101. The PCH is one of the most beautiful drives in my opinion (seriously, look at these views). I thought it would be the perfect way to end our afternoon: a beautiful drive along the coast with the sun setting next to us. 

The only problem was that I didn’t know how to get to the PCH. I figured if we drive northwest we’d eventually run into it. 

We didn’t. Instead, we drove around Los Angeles for the next three hours until I finally gave up (i.e. listened to my wife) and turned onto the 101. 

My stubbornness, my pride, my unwillingness to pull over and ask for direction, not only wasted time and created frustration, it affected my wife as well.  

In these moments you have to refuse to be controlled by your own stubborn will. Ask yourself, what will be more humiliating: wasting hours of your time or sparing yourself the frustration and wasted time and energy?

It’s one thing to be an independent self-starter. It’s another thing to be foolish. The quickest route between any two points is a straight line. Asking for help, more often than not, provides a straight line.

Principle 35

Use the “tattoo test”

I have a strict policy for myself when it comes to tattoos: I still have to like the idea after a year of contemplation.

It’s spared me from a lot of bad ideas in college that I’d undoubtedly be regretting today.

The same policy has guided me in other areas of life. It has spared me from jumping into projects that would have wasted time, energy, and money.

It’s not always a year. Oftentimes it’s a day, a week, or a month. But the thing is that when I come up with an idea I set a waiting period in place. The length of time depends upon the project’s level of complexity.

This isn’t to delay starting. It’s a matter of allowing the idea to breathe. This allows you to wrap the idea in reality and see it from a healthier perspective. 

It’s easy to get excited about a new idea. But giving yourself a set amount of time allows you to ask the questions that need to be asked before you commit yourself and your reputation. If it still sounds like a good plan, then move forward!

Principle 34

Accept that life isn’t fair

We both know that life isn’t fair. At some point a parent or coach has told you so. We know it, but we often forget. The advent of social media doesn’t make it any easier with everyone parading their best life. Everyone but you seems to be buying new cars, moving into a bigger homes, excelling their careers, and taking dream vacations. 

That’s what it seems. But does that mean that life is fair for everyone else?

To explain this concept I’m going to share a journal entry from 4/18/2024. But before I do, allow me to provide some context. 

Onset Diabetes is a disease that isn’t caused by lifestyle or genetics — it’s caused by certain medications including steroids and anti-rejection medications. It happens to roughly 10% of organ transplant recipients.

No one wants to be diagnosed with diabetes. And when you’ve already fought through the process leading to an organ transplant, recovery, and the shift in lifestyle required post-transplant, the last thing you want is the added complexity of another life-altering diagnosis. Diabetes shouldn’t be taken lightly. 38.4 million, or 11.6% of Americans have Type 1 or Type 2 Diabetes — it’s a statistic that’s increasing with each year. It’s estimated that another 97.6 million, or 38%, have prediabetes. If ignored or left untreated the complications that come from the disease will kill you. 

Finger pricking, essential food monitoring, and for those on insulin, incessant needle sticking. Not to mention the added side effects of the medications. All these are imperative modifications if you’ve been diagnosed and want to avoid succumbing to the effects of diabetes. To say it plainly, diabetes sucks.

But before we allow ourselves to slip into self-pity or woe-is-me tendencies, let’s step back and realize that far more people are far more desperate in their situation. That’s not at all the purpose of this entry.

It’s simply a process of self-documentation: a sharing of personal experience. There will undoubtedly be highs and lows as with any journey. But no matter the elevation, my decision is to choose joy.

Since being diagnosed life has often felt like a roller coaster propelled by the outcome of my morning glucose reading. A good reading (i.e. in range) results in a good day; a bad reading (i.e. out of range) results in a bad day. I’ve learned a great deal of what often leads to a mostly good number. But early on it seemed like I was often testing fate and never sure of what the number would be. 

April 18th was one of those days and it felt like more than I could handle. A day prior where I had not towed the line resulted in a number out of range the following morning. It felt like I would have to be perfect in order to achieve any form of success. I checked my blood sugar and once again I was out of range — far out of range. I threw the glucose reader across the bathroom floor hearing it break into several pieces. 

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was tired of trying so hard to stay in range but having little progress to show for it.

I once again took my frustration out on my family giving full vent to my anger through the choice words I used. My wise and beautiful wife responded with undeserved grace allowing me the space I needed. I went to my room, shut the door, went into my closet, shut another door, kicked the empty shoe box on the floor, and sank into a pool of frustration.

In these moments you have two choices: you can allow yourself to continue sinking deeper or you start to climb out of it.

Rarely do I do it, but I cried out to the Lord. In anger and frustration I asked “why?” Why would He allow me to be the 10% diagnosed with onset diabetes? Why me? After all the physical trials I’ve already gone through with my health, why would He allow this as well? It didn’t seem fair. And it didn’t make sense.

In that moment I heard my own voice — the one that often tells my own children, “life isn’t fair.” And it doesn’t have to make sense. But rather than push the Lord away, I pulled myself closer. Closer to the One this did make sense for.

But I soon found relief from one of my least favorite activities. I had read about the powerful effects running and high intensity training have on blood sugar control. But my resistance training style workouts are rarely high intensity and my heart rate never gets very high while rowing. But today, something told me to run. Maybe I sensed I needed another way to burn off steam.

But I did it and the results were amazing. Not only was my blood sugar reading lower at night it was well within range the following morning I checked. 

It wasn’t a one-time fluke. Both morning and nightly numbers continue to remain low following running. It’s been a welcomed relief, so much so I’ve begun calling it my vitamin R.

“As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭71:14-15‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Principle 33

Put your blinders on

Across the road from the home I grew up in was an open field. A fence surrounded it on all sides. It was the roaming pasture of four Clydesdales, mainstays of our local small-town summer parade. They were absolute beasts of power and confidence. Yet, they walked with such grace and poise. And I’m willing to bet that if we were to peek into the mind of one of these beautiful creatures we would see neither doubt nor judgment. They are simply focused on the path in front of them. No doubt, the result of the blinders they wore throughout the parade route.

As a child watching from my curbside perspective, I remember feeling sorry for them. “Look at all they’re missing out on,” I thought. But, what if we consider the alternative? What were they truly missing out on? Crowded streets, crowded lawns, and screaming children begging for candy. A Clydesdale is a powerful creature with incredible potential, able to pull as much as 10,000 pounds.

But it can be easily spooked. 

It wasn’t a matter of what they were missing out on. It was a matter of what they were spared from in order to achieve their task at hand.

When exposed to all the possibilities of the world around you, it’s easy to experience doubt and uncertainty. It sets you on one end of the scale or the other: either doubting what you’re doing or judging others for what they’re doing.

When you’re focused on the path in front of you – your path – you’re not worried about what others around you are doing. You’re able to stop the comparison game. You’re able to stop worrying about what others will think. Because, at the end of the day, you’re simply working towards improving on what you started, taking another step down the road you’ve started on. You don’t worry about being on the wrong road. You don’t worry about whether there’s a smoother road. You don’t even worry whether another road may be shorter. You simply focus on putting one foot in front of the other.